Ducks in a row...

So I feel like the more ducks in a row that we get the more ducks there are that need to be gathered. I almost am starting to believe that trying to schedule two people's lives to coincide and changes to happen together is like herding cats in the house of a hoarder. The second you think you get all of the cats into a line, you open up another door and there are more cats. As more ducks come into a row the more I love this man... but goodness this is all a lot of work :)

This Week

I found out today that I passed the English AEPA. Its been the dirty little secret I have been carrying around with me, telling no one, sitting and waiting. Why might you ask? I have nothing against being an English teacher, and I like English teachers, most of my time is spent with them actually, but what I really need is a job.

We found out a few weeks ago that he has gotten a promotion, and now I am scrambling for a job. Can I teach English? With books and guidance, sure! But we'll see how this goes... and how my life will play out. The problem with teaching is they want you to make a decision on what you will be doing in an year from now, where did the spontaneousness go from the world? :)

The Day to Day

Tackling things one day at a time seems to be its own vice one day at a time. I woke this morning worried, almost paralyzed with fear, what if, what if, what if, what if? Its exhausting both emotionally and physically to be this worked up all the time. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand waiting, counting the hours the days the weeks and I feel like time has become a burden and not a pleasure. I used to enjoy my time, every moment of every day it was easy for me. I was happy; truly, blissfully, Hollywood style happy. So of course, as the fates would see it, I was due for a reality check, however, if anyone is truly listening I would take minor checkpoints versus complete stopped traffic. This sucks! I miss the truly blissful happiness that I felt, and the laundry list of things that needs to be accomplished is overwhelming.

25 Things to do before You're 30

So I stole this from a blog I recently started reading, thanks to Tasha :) I turned 26 last month so I'm late to the game but I'm willing to change this list from "25 things to do before you're 25" to "25 things to do before you're 30". I have officially don't fifteen of this, meaning ten more to go in four years. 

1. Have a really good one night stand with a gorgeous guy. Forget about your personalities matching up and forget about Facebooking him the next day. Appreciate the smoking hot naked body…and take some Plan B in the morning just in case, because if you did it right, you have no way of ever contacting him.

2. Do an illegal drug. Otherwise your kids will think you’re totally lame 30 years down the road when they’re all like “Mom, I bet you were so wild and fun back in the ’10s” and you’ll have to respond “well, one time I drank beer before liquor.”

3. Live in another country (even if it’s just for a short period of time). You’ll get an entirely new perspective on our country, on the world, and on how far reaching American scandals go in other countries. Nothing like your Spanish host mom bringing up Monica Lewinsky years after the fact.

4. Travel on the cheap. Pick a destination and do it up, backpacking-style. Stay in hostels, eat unidentifiable food, and make sure to have anti-diarrhea medicine on hand. Once you’re over 25, your body will no longer be able to stomach staying in those places, eating that food, and experiencing food poisoning in front of a ton of foreign strangers.

5. Confront a fear. Doesn’t matter if it’s a fear of heights or a fear of spiders, figure out a way to face it head on just once.

6. Be brave and be bold and have sex with the lights on. He’ll find you even sexier, which will only boost your own self-confidence.

7. Splurge on an awesome pair of jeans that fit you really well. Bonus points if they also fit your completely different-sized best friends just as well and make magical things happen.

8. Apologize to someone you were mean to in middle school. Except for that one girl who didn’t need braces, everyone was feeling insecure and left out in those days. A quick Facebook message apology will brighten her day.

9. Make a real guy friend who is really just a friend. As in you don’t want to ever see him naked and he doesn’t ever want to see you naked. No points if you’re related.

10. Get a job working with food or working with clothes.You’ll never treat your waiters, your bartenders, your salespeople the same way ever again. You’ll suddenly understand why they ask you to get off the phone when you’re ordering and why they request that you take your clothes out of the dressing room.

11. Figure out what kind of wine you actually like. There is life beyond Franzia and you’ll feel so mature and adult when you can tell a date that you prefer a dry Chardonnay over a sweeter Pinot. The best way to figure this out on the cheap? Go on a wine tour. You’ll sort things out real quick. Oh, and learn how to work a corkscrew. No wine is enhanced by chunks of cork floating around.

12. Take a roadtrip with your friends. The destination doesn’t matter. As Miley Cyrus once “sang,” it’s all about the climb. Nothing brings friends closer than endless games of “Count the Cracker Barrels,” hours upon hours of deep conversations (out come the family secrets!), and Disney sing-a-longs.

13. Try an exotic food you can’t pronounce.

14. Go to a college football game and go all out. Paint your face, lose your voice from cheering, and tailgate like a rockstar.

15. See a Broadway show. Even the most cynical people leave a show happy.

16. Go 24 hours media-free. That means turn off your cell phone and shut down your computer. With the exception of getting tagged in heinous photos that you can’t de-tag right away, you won’t miss anything.

17. Skinny dip.

18. Give back to the community. Whether it’s building houses for Habitat for Humanity, participating in a campus Relay for Life, or standing for days on end for a Dance Marathon, you’ll have an awesome time and feel really, really good about yourself. After a 12 hour nap, of course.

19. Learn to do your own taxes and how to manage your own money. It will make that transition into real life so. much. easier.

20. Take your parents out to a nice dinner. Because they deserve it.

21. Start a blog about your life and update it regularly.Sure it seems self-centered now, but you’ll be grateful ten years from now when you can reflect on your life when you were really living it up.
22. Go to a Pride Parade. There is nothing on earth as fun, happy and memorable than a parade dedicated to gay pride.

23. Go to Vegas and let go. Party hard, then party harder. Then hit up an all-you-can-eat buffet to sober up…so you can party again.

24. Learn to drive a manual car. They’re cheaper and, really, it’s just a cool party trick. Plus, from what we hear, it’s a major turn-on for guys.

25. Donate blood. If you think donating is scary, imagine being the person who needs it during a blood shortage. And if that’s not enough, there are cookie

Astarte - Ch. 1

Moon beams shown through the trees. The light created shadows unlike any man nor beasts nor mythical creatures Astarte had ever seen before. Standing and watching the dancing streams of light, the impendinding darkenss all around felt like the weight of ten hundred men. Astarte moved quickly to the familiar medow. As she broke into a fast pasted walk, she gathered her dress up in her hands, not forgetting in this momentary glimpse of freedom that if her escape became known, she would be punished. Moving through the trees, darkness began to subside to a peaceful white glow of the full moon that night. As she stepped from the trees into the openess, the moonlight met her with a familiar welcome. This place had been her own safe haven throughout the years of her life. Never had she met another soul in this place, and tonight of all nights she craved that solitary confinment it provided. Her heart pounded and her bodess felt tigheter now under her heavy breathing from running the last part of the way from her home to where she stood now. As she strgggled to lossen the ties on her boddess, trying to finally break free, her mind raced through the events proceeding up to her necessary escape this evening. Home, family, and reality seemed eons away and yet in this place, she could not help but feel that his eyes were still upon her.

She had thought that this night started like most other events she had attended in her life. Although Astarte was no princess she had been considered a birth of a privledged home, and had been raised to behave in a way that represented her parents and station in life. As much as her mother had tried in her younger years to rein in the energy and spirit, Astarte had always had a side that did not comform to the ways of the world. Dresses were too heavy, her hair took too much work to keep up, and it all seemed for not. As she finally loosened her boddess she felt an ease to her suffereing, finally being able to take a full breath of air for the first time in what felt like weeks, she removed the pins from her long dark hair and lay her self down becoming one with the earth and the grassy world. Laying back looking at the stars she was reminded, as always, of how small she was compared to what the sky above. Her father had always understood her better than anyone else and, although he should not have, he had secretly hired her tutors her whole life. She was far more eduated that her peers, and could both read and write, understood the stars, and even could discuss philosophy like the boys she met at events like the one tonight.

Tonight however had been differernt. She had gone to this event with her dearest friend Samantha to meet her bethrothed; however, Astarte had not expected to meet someone new. New people did not necessarily come to events with out some sort of warning before hand. This man had been different from all the rest. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw him watching her. Those blue eyes pierecing her outter deminer unnervered her. It was as if, his eyes could see through her rouse, and knew her one true dirty secret, her education, why she was always late to sewing with the other ladies her own age, and why she always seemed so bored with their conversations. Being educated amongst her peers had always caused problems, and she had always had a difficult time choosing friends. Astate did not fool herself into thinking that she was the only one who had secrets, she simply had herself convinced that hers were bigger and in essence posed a greater threat to everyone around her.

She forced herself to close her eyes, to face him in her thoughts. Why was it that he had bothered her so much? She looked at those eyes in her mind for what seemed like years, as the minutes passed she found  she was hooked. He acted like a lone wolf, with no need to comform to the social dignaties that she had become assustomed to all her life. He was not the man that her friends, if you want to call her peers that, would approve for her at all. His short stocky build made him more knightly and barbaic than the tall dark knights she had seen coming through the towns on their way to or from the Crusades. He made no mention of his time at war, but the scar on his face and his forearm were definitions of a war torn man. And yet, although some returned with the sickness, he seemed to be a whole and complete man despite what he must have seen in the war. He did not disucss his triumphs, he did not fawn over the women the way other men always did, he simply stood amongst them all and yet not attached to any.

She opened her eyes and stared at the stars. As she lay there, she evaluted where her family must think she ought to be in life, in comparison to where she actually was. It saddened her that she was unable to please them, though in her defense she had been bethrothed. She would have, if things had gone according to plan, been married by now and her parents and family would think better of her. However, her situation was what it was and that was that. Without much thought of if she rose, brushing herself off and began her journey back to her home again. With any luck like the many other times she had come to this place no one would be the wiser that she had gone, and instead of fretting about the possibility of being caught, she continued her thoughts about life and this new contemplation, a general curiosity about a man. She had not thought much of her first bethrothed, so her interest in her lone wolf was of unparralled interest to her. It entertained her that he would not be so easily allowed into her circle of peers but that in a way her parents would be thrilled. 

The man Astarte had been betrothed to had gone off to war to fight in the Crusades. Although they had known each other and had talked on occasion he did not consult with her before disappearing to the East. She realized in this that she was still mad at him. She had no use for the Crusades, but kept her mouth shut when people spoke of things they did not know. Taking peoples homes, she thought, had never been a good way to make friends, and the things that the men were bringing back, books and art and knoweldge and culture, had always seemed like something that would be worth being allies for.

After deciding to leave for the Crusades, without discussion Sir Keith announced his departure the day before he was to leave, at a dinner with her family and his. Shocked and appauled it was all Astarte could do was to sit, shaking and seathing with anger, letting none of it across her ruby red lips. The touge lashing he deserved she decided would have to wait until they were husband and wife assuming he ever returned. Her hatred had burned for months, and when news of his death came it only stregthened her anger towards him, and she had not cried one tear for him. They were to be married but they surly had not been in love. Love, Astarte had decided, was for girls to read about in their story books, to be talked to about as children at bed time stories, but it was not something that was actually achievable and it certainly did not exsist in her world. She knew her feelings for her wolf were the same, not love for him but for love of the unknown, the secreteaive and the new. This is the first time in a long time Astarte had considered the concept of marriage again.

As she approached the estate and the hill leading up to the back doors she knew that there would no answers to her questions and that she would have till tomorrow before she would even begin to dream of seeing him again. She climbed the stair case to her bedroom, removed the lock and slid silently into her room. After removing the rest of her clothing, the soft sheets felt cool against her skin, and sleep came more quickly to her than had in many months. 

Stress sucks..

I have too much stress. This is not a new revelation in my life, its something I have known for years… and years. In college after almost a week of no sleep and a semi psychotic break I found myself at Campus Health Services talking to a man about why I was losing sleep at night. I told him about who I was, what I did, and talked and talked and talked. He jotted notes nodded as I went and in the end told me two things; that I have abandonment issues and that I’m too stressed. As a college students both of these were moments were I wanted to just roll my eyes and tell him “well duh!” but, I kept my mouth shut, left his office, and never returned. The truth is I have always over stressed myself with tasks, responsibilities, work, family, life, and the like. I find that having things to do is what makes me happy. I have, over the years, tried to be aware of this stress and the toll it has on my life. Its why I left my ex-husband. Its why I try to keep my life managed as best as possible, doing a little of everything everyday so I don’t get overwhelmed. But now, it’s decision time. What do I cut to take out the stress? Do I find a new job? Do I find my job at a new location where for the first few years I won’t be so stressed? Do I hunker down dig deep and make  my current job less stressful and cut someplace else? It’s a balancing act. I was approached yesterday in the hall by I woman I both respect and admire who looked at me, smiles and said, I need a hug. After a long hug we discussed the proverbial balls that we keep in the air. As soon as one comes down, we toss it back up in the air and hopefully through the powers that be and the powers of the force we can balance them all up there. But over time, I feel my powers weakening and, in the end, I will need to remove some of these tasks, and focus on what truly makes me happy. 

Learned Niceness

Upon my diagnosis of pneumonia I had been assigned a few days of bed rest. I'm not exactly sure what bed rest means but for me what it meant was watching bad TV, no not just bad TV but lots and lots and lots of bad TV. The TV watching has been a look into myself a decade ago and the kinds of shows I loved. Apparently in the middle of the day what plays is what played a decade ago when I myself was in high school, except when I watched it, this was prime time television, new episodes every week. I’m amazed to admit this much but my ex-husband, whom during my high school days was my boyfriend at the time, was right about one thing, these shows distorted my view of the world. I cannot believe not only that I worshiped these television shows, but I bought into the hype they were selling. Love, romance, relationships, the whole nine yards I had it figured out ten years ago, and if I could tell myself ten years ago what I know now, well, I would not have married my high school sweet heart, and I would have cared more about the present. Yes I know that I would have been someone different than I am today, I would have had less life experience perhaps, I would have been hurt fewer times and perhaps would not know what I know now but I think I would have been a nicer person and perhaps that would have been enough.