Sunday, May 29, 2011

State of Constant Revision Pt. 1 from 10/10/10

A state of constant revision. I’ve had this line on the board in my classroom for weeks now, and it has become a life motto. Everything in a state of constant revision. It seems like an apt piece for my life right now and I know that those closest to me know that more than anyone. My teacher life and my personal life are not that far removed from one another. Its par for the course when your time is spent at school, when everything seems to revolve around that campus, those kids, and that aspect of life. I’m constantly on the lookout for pitfalls, to the point of paranoia. I struggle to live in the moment as others seem to be able to do so so easily. Both my teacher self and my personal self have a hard time being happy, struggling not to fret and worry and stress about what comes next. I struggle to allow things to happen in their own time, to be ok with the here and now and to not work out problems that haven’t even happened. This summer I struggled to find peace with my life, to be less like that person who worries and plans, but that person has started to lose her way again. It takes centering, which there just doesn’t seem to be time enough in the day to do. I want to feel that feeling that everyone else seemingly has, being happy in the here and now. In reality, it should not be this hard, but you never see anyone else’s struggles. Whether you talk to them about themselves as a person, or in a relationship they have had for years, you never see the way things are as being difficult. You don’t see the compromise, the scheduling, the work and the arguments that exist in every place and with everyone. The biggest compromise I ask of myself and of those that love me is to be patient with my constant desire to want to revise, to change and to grow.   

No comments:

Post a Comment