Thursday, October 4, 2012

Gearing Up

With only twenty-six more days and counting I can't help but imagine what my life was like one year ago when I entered into my second year of National Novel Writing Month. The changes I have experience are massive, but so very good. NaNo can't come at a better time when the world feels like it is crashing down around you... to have something that forces you to release all that emotion its great to think that in a few short weeks I will have that venue of safety.

Until then, I will plan and plot and be excited in my own private, and very public way :)

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Falling in Love

No matter how old I am, I hope and pray that I can always fall in love. Even when I am falling in love with the same man over and over again, I cherish the feeling of falling in love, of letting the love from that person wash over me and encapsulate us in its power. Love, like hate, can be powerful enough to drag you down and life you up, and I hope that if you are feeling hate that you can feel love too. Never stop loving.

Sunday, July 1, 2012


I have never written extensively about my divorce. I know what happened, I know what didn't happen, and that has been enough for me. I know how real it all was no matter what anyone says. Somehow during this time in my life, I am reflecting back on times that I have felt broken in this way.

My divorce was so different than this experience in my life. For one, I saw it coming. For two, I was not left with the memories of an unreal life. I was left with real hurt, and the loss of real love. We had not been connecting for some time, we had stopped supporting each other emotionally, and for my part in that I am a bad person. (I should have cared more about the few things he cared about).We were faithful to each other, we were never physically towards each other, and for that, a part of me still loves him. He treated me with respect, but there is only one moment where I truly saw that love he always said he had.

Unfortunately by the time it came I was too far gone, I was too hurt, and I did not feel that I could even truly build to a happy marriage again. It was in that moment that I choose me, over us, and that was the selfish, but in the end, the right decision to make.

I was sitting in the apartment complex parking lot, on the phone with him. He said to me "I'll do anything I can, I won't give up". I cried myself to sleep that and many other nights for that comment. It still plays in my head from time to time, because if it had come sooner, if it had come when we were in therapy or when we were packing to separate or when we were fighting all the time and screaming and yelling and... it could have been enough. If it had come sooner, none of my present situation would be happening, neither the good OR the bad. There is good you may ask? Of course there is.

In my head I play over and over again the past seven years of my life, and they are rough. It is hard to look back on and its hard to determine where the lines were crossed and where love stopped, and where it started. I have loved SO much in the past seven years, and I lost SO much, and I have gained SO much. For that, I can appreciate it all. For that, I can try to move on. For all of it, I can see the friends I have made, the stories I have to share, my only wish is that there was not so much hate.

I feel a lot of hate right now, and it makes me wonder how much hate HE felt for me when it was obvious our marriage would not work. Does he still hate me now? I have picked up the phone to call a dozen times only to put the phone down knowing that no good could come from that call. No positive energy would remain in that call. All that would happen would be a trip down memory lane, for better or for worse. The idea of him hating me though, kills me, because what happened between my exhusband and I, and what happened between HIM and I, are such different things. I would hope that the hate I hold for HIM does not even measure to the hate he holds/held for me.

I am a much better lover than a hater. I am a much better lover than a fighter.


Friday, June 29, 2012


There are two aspects of time that relate to breakups and heart ache. There is the one that people talk about who don't really know you... time... and then there is the other one... timing. People who know you, understand the pros and cons of timing more than anyone else, because they truly know you as an individual and your life in and outside of the person you were recently with.

The people that want to discuss time with me, keep telling me that things take time, that time will heal all, that time will bring you back, that time, time, time time. Nothing, that anyone can say is truly helpful because, although the intentions are pure and loving and caring, its all things that we know and simply have to live through. I am too "old" to think that I will not survive this no matter how crappy one day may be to the next. The only people who have been helpful fall into two categories.A) The other women whose ranks I have joined who have recently had their hearts smashed into a million pieces or B) People who make it their jobs to utterly distract me. Distractions are making it easier.

So what do I mean by timing? The timing of my... let's call it "new found intellect" could not be more ironic. The timing of it all will leave to my new house, which I leave to close on in ten minutes beautiful but the house is all mine, with no memories that can taint the taste in my house of success that on a teachers salary, I am buying a house. The timing of this happening over the summer, where although distractions are low, the time to heal is high and the freedom to do what I want with my time is beautiful.

 Timing and time may rule now, but I have faith in love, and hope that someday this will all be a distant if not horrible memory. And besides, if karma has taught me anything, something REALLY great is going to be just around the corner for me.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

A Year and A Half Ago...

A year and a half ago, someone posted on this blog, on an entry I had written about us moving into together, asking how his girlfriend felt about us moving in together. Actually the direct quote if I remember correctly was "you know the one with the long dark hair". I didn't listen. I should have. Because that person was right. To that anonymous soul, I'm sorry for ever doubting you. I should have listened then, and I should have listened to myself a lot more.

The warning signs, the constant nagging feelings, I ignored it all. I was made to believe that I was the crazy one, that I needed to talk to someone about my trust issues that I had acquired from my ex-husband. My ex-husband was not that bad of a guy. Our marriage did not work, we did not work as a couple, but comparing this moment in my life, I laugh at what I considered a "bad time". Finding out that it was all true makes it just that much worse.

An eight hour car ride gave me much time to reflect, much time to cry, and much time to process the last three years of my life. It sickens me really. The amount of times that I wanted to leave and didn't. Why didn't I listen to my inner voice, the inner me that said HELLO SOMETHING IS WRONG HERE!!!?   I chalked it up to my inner voice he refereed to as "Crazy Tracy". In hindsight this was the inner me that was telling me the truth, who knew that the "crazy" side of me was actually the logical side? It makes my head and heart hurt to even try to put it together. In essence, I've stopped trying. I think its better for all involved.

So why do I turn here and vent this to my blog? During my divorce I relied heavily on the SAWP Hour of Power, the belief that writers need time to write, and therefore every morning before we began we would write for an hour. Many of the writings were about my divorce and about him. It helped me then and I am hoping it will help me now to process what I am feeling and put the ideas into words. Will I post everything? No. I'm probably saying too much in a public forum now. But at the end of the day, writing has its therapeutic moments.

So what is the summation of my entry, the point that if you read nothing you will comprehend. The voice inside of you is the part of your brain that is intellectual trying to over ride your emotional brain. Listen to your brains, help them make the decision together. In the long run it will help you make the best decision. If we look at the long term consequences, its better to know now then later.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Break Ups Suck

Break ups, heart ache, the bad ending to any movie. We have all been there. We have all experienced it. I seem to have made a life out of understanding the stages of a break ups. I have sat by friends sides as they cried over a guy or a girl, I have been the crier putting on the brave face in the morning everyday to get through to the end of the day (my divorce was made up of most of these days). Somehow or another, it does get easier. Unfortunately I have seen too much of this lately.

Teaching high school you get to see kids go through their first heartache, losing their first "love" and to that end I have compiled a list of stages of break ups. My favorite part, of any of this, is that you can go from one stage, to another, back again. But finally, when you least expect it, you realize that its all going to be okay. I hope that no one takes offense at this list, and maybe it will even help you.

Stage One: Right before the break up, when things start to fall apart, you feel like the world is against you and you need to fight for what you have. You are still in love and everything IS going to be okay. My hope is that this is the truth. The reality is, that this just isn't always the case. If it was, more people would get married than break up. 

Stage Two: You don't want to hear it. This might be before the break up, it might be during the break up, but you want to stay in your state of denial.

Stage Three: I can't believe they left, I want them back. Its all my fault. At this point you would do anything to just make it all go away, you would forgive any wrong doings just to make it all better and set your life back on the path it was before you lost them, this person you felt was an anchor for you.

Stage Four: You start to enter anger, and realize who they really are.

Stage Five: You get REALLY angry, and can't wait for karma to take its own patient revenge. Some people skip this stage, circumstances seem to matter the most for this stage.

Stage Six: You finally get a moment to show them that you are stronger without them This comes at a grocery store you don't usually shop at, or a mall you went to without thinking twice. However when it happens, when you get the moment to be strong, I hope that you take it, with shoulders squared and and a smile on your face.

Stage Seven: You finally feel okay again without them. You even remember why you like yourself a little bit more without them, and you begin to have fun again.

Stage Eight: The stage you don't always get to know about. The point where the person who has left you realizes that they have made a huge mistake, and have lost you. Unfortunately this stage comes far too late. 

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


The train station bustled with throngs of people, making their way from their origins to the void of nowhere. History was in the making, and I couldn't have been happier to be in the thick of it all. The hiss of the train and the steam rising made loose hairs fly into my face. Thick and wavy as it was, it was hard to control. My red lips contorted up and to the right as I blew upward attempting unsuccessfully to blow my brunette hair out of my face.

My hands were occupied with luggage, and after weeks of travel, I'm sure I looked a sight. To the people who were moving back and forth in front of me I must of looked lost, confused, and worn. My eyes were dark and heavy from lack of sleep on the trip from my hometown of Freedom, Louisiana to here. A true lady, like I was expected to be, would have cared about how I looked departing from the train. The south placed an importance on those lady-like mannerisms, and if it hadn't been for the unladylike characteristics of my personality I wouldn't even be here in Silverton, Colorado.
As I moved further away from the crowds of people, the cool air invigorated me. My trek was far from over, but this place in all its wonder was a far bit different than the heat of Louisiana I had left behind. I could still hear my father's voice in the back of my head as he protested, trying to keep me from making this “terrible mistake.”

He hadn't known my true feelings, the true reason why I really left, and if I could help it, he never would. Its ironic that Freedom Louisiana had become the epitome of my troubles, surrounding me, suffocating my very existence, and running seemed like a far better option than staying and holding my head high, as my mother had encouraged me to do. As much as I loved them, and hated to say goodbye, facing it was too much.

Sighing loudly, I looked around for my old friend. William moved to Colorado years ago and had settled in nicely to his new life in the mountains. I had looked forward to having a familiar face around, but more importantly, he was my ride to Ouray, where my journey would finally end. In our correspondence we had enjoyed the notion of being able to spend some time together, and he had happily agreed to pick me up from the train station. I had tried, in vain, to imagine what Colorado would look, smell, ansd feel like. I will admit it, I like to be in control of my life, and being capable of picturing where I was going would have put me at ease. William had put in the details he felt important, but what I had hoped for I already knew I was accomplishing, a change.

I spotted him across the deck. Even after all these years not much changed and I found his familiarity more reaffirming and comforting than I originally suspected I would. He was taller, of course, but his smile still held true, his bright white teeth and his strong jawline created a truly beautiful man whom I felt privileged to know.

If we had not known each other from the time that we were two, maybe I would have considered him an acceptable husband. However, facts were facts, our love for each other would always be of the most innocent nature. He was the closest thing to a brother I have ever known.
Walking closer towards him it became apparent that his features had changed slightly. His shoulders had filled out nicely, giving him a strong build that was sturdy. From head to toe he seemed to be covered with dirt and his clothes were worn and faded.

I watched him for only a moment longer before crying out to him, “William!”

William searched the crowds for a moment and then, catching my eyes, his smile widened. He was a genuinely happy person. Even when he was a child he had preferred to be a glass half-full kind of individual which was refreshing after my family's reaction to my sudden move here. We pushed through the crowds of people towards each other and met in an embrace of familial love and admiration.

“Katherine, it’s so good to see you.”

“Its good to be seen after such a long trip. I am glad to finally see what you've been describing. William you didn’t do this place justice”. William smiled awkwardly.

“I know I’m sorry. Its been a long time since I corresponded with anyone with any great detail, I wasn’t quite sure what to say about it. I don’t get out to see the city, but the men I work with are good and the food is decent.”

I knew that William would have to head back up the mountain soon. He had to go back up to the mines, and was losing money while he stayed off the mountain helping me. I was grateful he had been gifted the time off by his bosses and was thankful for his presence, even if it was a fleeting moment. The end of spring was a busy time of his year as the snow began to melt. Once he was back up on that mountain, even though Ouray was the closet city to them, there was no getting in and out on a regular basis except for emergencies, and he would be stationed seventeen thousand feet up in the air.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Working Title: Colorado Belle


I look at Jake's cold, dead face. His face begins to lose its color, from the beautiful peach tones that once existed to now a white lifeless form. His dark eyes still stare at me, taunting me. I thought I knew what I wanted from this life. I had known the risks, and prepared for the worst, but how could this have happened? My legs are heavy as I pick myself up to move, the snow trapped in my skirt weighs me down more than the pain in my heart but I had no choice. It was time to push on and persevere, despite the nagging feeling that I don't know what to do next. As I move through the woods, the power of what had happened hangs in the air. Fighting tears back, I enter the trees, leaving everything and nothing behind.

Sunday, March 11, 2012


Well it feels that way anyway. It feels like I have let this blog just die and that is SO sad. I miss it really, but more than that I miss posting things that I have written. Lately I have been finding the time to write, so be ready to see some chapters of different things I am working on. To date I have three novels I am working on. We'll see how this works out for me....