Friday, June 29, 2012


There are two aspects of time that relate to breakups and heart ache. There is the one that people talk about who don't really know you... time... and then there is the other one... timing. People who know you, understand the pros and cons of timing more than anyone else, because they truly know you as an individual and your life in and outside of the person you were recently with.

The people that want to discuss time with me, keep telling me that things take time, that time will heal all, that time will bring you back, that time, time, time time. Nothing, that anyone can say is truly helpful because, although the intentions are pure and loving and caring, its all things that we know and simply have to live through. I am too "old" to think that I will not survive this no matter how crappy one day may be to the next. The only people who have been helpful fall into two categories.A) The other women whose ranks I have joined who have recently had their hearts smashed into a million pieces or B) People who make it their jobs to utterly distract me. Distractions are making it easier.

So what do I mean by timing? The timing of my... let's call it "new found intellect" could not be more ironic. The timing of it all will leave to my new house, which I leave to close on in ten minutes beautiful but the house is all mine, with no memories that can taint the taste in my house of success that on a teachers salary, I am buying a house. The timing of this happening over the summer, where although distractions are low, the time to heal is high and the freedom to do what I want with my time is beautiful.

 Timing and time may rule now, but I have faith in love, and hope that someday this will all be a distant if not horrible memory. And besides, if karma has taught me anything, something REALLY great is going to be just around the corner for me.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

A Year and A Half Ago...

A year and a half ago, someone posted on this blog, on an entry I had written about us moving into together, asking how his girlfriend felt about us moving in together. Actually the direct quote if I remember correctly was "you know the one with the long dark hair". I didn't listen. I should have. Because that person was right. To that anonymous soul, I'm sorry for ever doubting you. I should have listened then, and I should have listened to myself a lot more.

The warning signs, the constant nagging feelings, I ignored it all. I was made to believe that I was the crazy one, that I needed to talk to someone about my trust issues that I had acquired from my ex-husband. My ex-husband was not that bad of a guy. Our marriage did not work, we did not work as a couple, but comparing this moment in my life, I laugh at what I considered a "bad time". Finding out that it was all true makes it just that much worse.

An eight hour car ride gave me much time to reflect, much time to cry, and much time to process the last three years of my life. It sickens me really. The amount of times that I wanted to leave and didn't. Why didn't I listen to my inner voice, the inner me that said HELLO SOMETHING IS WRONG HERE!!!?   I chalked it up to my inner voice he refereed to as "Crazy Tracy". In hindsight this was the inner me that was telling me the truth, who knew that the "crazy" side of me was actually the logical side? It makes my head and heart hurt to even try to put it together. In essence, I've stopped trying. I think its better for all involved.

So why do I turn here and vent this to my blog? During my divorce I relied heavily on the SAWP Hour of Power, the belief that writers need time to write, and therefore every morning before we began we would write for an hour. Many of the writings were about my divorce and about him. It helped me then and I am hoping it will help me now to process what I am feeling and put the ideas into words. Will I post everything? No. I'm probably saying too much in a public forum now. But at the end of the day, writing has its therapeutic moments.

So what is the summation of my entry, the point that if you read nothing you will comprehend. The voice inside of you is the part of your brain that is intellectual trying to over ride your emotional brain. Listen to your brains, help them make the decision together. In the long run it will help you make the best decision. If we look at the long term consequences, its better to know now then later.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Break Ups Suck

Break ups, heart ache, the bad ending to any movie. We have all been there. We have all experienced it. I seem to have made a life out of understanding the stages of a break ups. I have sat by friends sides as they cried over a guy or a girl, I have been the crier putting on the brave face in the morning everyday to get through to the end of the day (my divorce was made up of most of these days). Somehow or another, it does get easier. Unfortunately I have seen too much of this lately.

Teaching high school you get to see kids go through their first heartache, losing their first "love" and to that end I have compiled a list of stages of break ups. My favorite part, of any of this, is that you can go from one stage, to another, back again. But finally, when you least expect it, you realize that its all going to be okay. I hope that no one takes offense at this list, and maybe it will even help you.

Stage One: Right before the break up, when things start to fall apart, you feel like the world is against you and you need to fight for what you have. You are still in love and everything IS going to be okay. My hope is that this is the truth. The reality is, that this just isn't always the case. If it was, more people would get married than break up. 

Stage Two: You don't want to hear it. This might be before the break up, it might be during the break up, but you want to stay in your state of denial.

Stage Three: I can't believe they left, I want them back. Its all my fault. At this point you would do anything to just make it all go away, you would forgive any wrong doings just to make it all better and set your life back on the path it was before you lost them, this person you felt was an anchor for you.

Stage Four: You start to enter anger, and realize who they really are.

Stage Five: You get REALLY angry, and can't wait for karma to take its own patient revenge. Some people skip this stage, circumstances seem to matter the most for this stage.

Stage Six: You finally get a moment to show them that you are stronger without them This comes at a grocery store you don't usually shop at, or a mall you went to without thinking twice. However when it happens, when you get the moment to be strong, I hope that you take it, with shoulders squared and and a smile on your face.

Stage Seven: You finally feel okay again without them. You even remember why you like yourself a little bit more without them, and you begin to have fun again.

Stage Eight: The stage you don't always get to know about. The point where the person who has left you realizes that they have made a huge mistake, and have lost you. Unfortunately this stage comes far too late.