Monday, January 27, 2014

We're In the Teens

Yup, that's right, the count down to the wedding is in the teens, and I'm full of stress. Lots and lots and lots of stress.


Oh well that's simple. I feel like I've forgotten something HUGE. Will it alter m life? Whatever I have forgotton will simply have to be forgotten for now. But today, its hard to let it go. But I am doing some good things so far....

I have been working out almost every other day. This is good.
I have signed up for some yoga classes, GO GROUPON!
I have been tring to just take things one tackle at a time. This is good too.
I'm trying to remember that there is life after the wedding, like a honeymoon that I have to pack for and buy clothes for. Yikes!

I feel like I'm letting everyone down. Not in some emotional way, but when they ask if I'm excited, of course I am, but there is also a big part of me, the majority of me, that is just ready to get on it the next phase, with the next part, and I'm so sad that I'm not letting myself enjoy this part. Being engaged, having it be about us even in a little way. My goal this week is to let the stress go, finalize the projects for the wedding, make myself some lists, and just let it good.

Happy Monday everyone!

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Don't Go To Bed Angry

At my recent Bridal Shower, the hostesses had others in the group provide me marriage advice. It was sweet, and many people responded with their own special recommendations.

Remember to do the small things.

Don't sweet the petty stuff.

But the most common piece of wedding advice was don't go to bed angry. Its so simple yet so missed by so many people. There is so much more time for love if you just let it go. Someone the other day asked me, are you and Bryon really as happy as you seem? The question stunned me at first. Of course we are. We are one of the most on the surface couples I know and that is not meant to seem smug, but we are. We don't hold on to grudges, we talk about everything, and we respect each other unconditionally. And maybe that's the difference.

Online dating has changed the face of the world. More and more often when people ask me how we met and I respond with "We met online" the typical next comment is "oh I have a friend that" or "oh I met my husband on" or "which website?!?". Its becoming more and more common. The only thing that people want to know is "how does it work?".

What people don't understand is that, its actually quite simply because we started this whole thing, our relationship, our engagement, and will start our marriage, with all of our cards on the table. Its easy to be honest with someone over a computer screen, through text message. And by easy, I mean that it is easy to be frank. It is, ironically, the same reason that cyber bullying is so prevalent, because you say things via the internet you would perhaps never say to someone in person. Dating is no different. You go on a date, you talk to someone, but you don't talk about the "big" things.

Religion. Politics. Money. Children. Drugs. Alcohol. Family. Holidays. Failed relationships.

You ignore them, you just want the person to like you. And then you get trapped. You invest months, even years, hoping that you can make something work. I see it all the time with my friends, they get themselves trapped. At our age, I can't believe I just said that, we can't invest that kind of time. So how does an online dating profile allow for all the cards to be on the table? If I still had access to my profile page, you would be amazed the kinds of things I was willing to share with the public.

I want children. I'm a teacher, and my work matters. I am not invested in religion, but I don't want to raise a child who is unintelligent on how the world works. My family and my friends are some of the most important things to me. I've been married, I've been divorced. When you start with your cards on the table, there are less questions, more answers, and what I consider to be my non-negotiables, were already quite literally spelled out in black and white.

So where am I going with all of this?

People need to talk about things. You need to have the big conversations. You need to talk about the fight before you go to bed because going to bed angry, allowing the anger to seethe, to grow, to manifest, is worse than anything you can do to your relationship. And remember, sometimes relationships don't work. The only way to find a relationship that does work is to admit when one is not working, and move on.

Love yourself. Love others. And always make sure that your husband is your partner and best friend.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Paradise and the New Year

A new year and a new set of rules. Well, rules is probably a bad way to phrase it, but a new set of goals? I hate the new year quite frankly, I never know what to say. People want to talk about their new resolutions. Why is that we need a new year to put us into gear? To make us feel like we are in control of our own lives?

Its process versus product. I have nothing more than that to say about it. Can't we change the processes we are following in order to look towards a better product instead of setting a product goal?

I for one have a very personal goal and how that comes will be a special process. It will be near and dear to my heart, and it is something I don't want ot share. So how do I make other people understand that? How do i communicate it to them?

Instead I sit and say nothing, I write, and I take in the fact that I have such amazing friends. What I would do without them I have no idea what I do know is that they make my life complete. The year 2013 was filled with amazing changing and experiences, Bryon and I got engaged, we merged our households, we planned a wedding side by side, and we did so with smiles on our faces 99% of the time, I won NaNo for the 3rd time, and we hosted about a million get togethers for both friends and family. If 2014 is even half s amazing as 2013 it will be a great year.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Gearing Up

With only twenty-six more days and counting I can't help but imagine what my life was like one year ago when I entered into my second year of National Novel Writing Month. The changes I have experience are massive, but so very good. NaNo can't come at a better time when the world feels like it is crashing down around you... to have something that forces you to release all that emotion its great to think that in a few short weeks I will have that venue of safety.

Until then, I will plan and plot and be excited in my own private, and very public way :)

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Falling in Love

No matter how old I am, I hope and pray that I can always fall in love. Even when I am falling in love with the same man over and over again, I cherish the feeling of falling in love, of letting the love from that person wash over me and encapsulate us in its power. Love, like hate, can be powerful enough to drag you down and life you up, and I hope that if you are feeling hate that you can feel love too. Never stop loving.

Sunday, July 1, 2012


I have never written extensively about my divorce. I know what happened, I know what didn't happen, and that has been enough for me. I know how real it all was no matter what anyone says. Somehow during this time in my life, I am reflecting back on times that I have felt broken in this way.

My divorce was so different than this experience in my life. For one, I saw it coming. For two, I was not left with the memories of an unreal life. I was left with real hurt, and the loss of real love. We had not been connecting for some time, we had stopped supporting each other emotionally, and for my part in that I am a bad person. (I should have cared more about the few things he cared about).We were faithful to each other, we were never physically towards each other, and for that, a part of me still loves him. He treated me with respect, but there is only one moment where I truly saw that love he always said he had.

Unfortunately by the time it came I was too far gone, I was too hurt, and I did not feel that I could even truly build to a happy marriage again. It was in that moment that I choose me, over us, and that was the selfish, but in the end, the right decision to make.

I was sitting in the apartment complex parking lot, on the phone with him. He said to me "I'll do anything I can, I won't give up". I cried myself to sleep that and many other nights for that comment. It still plays in my head from time to time, because if it had come sooner, if it had come when we were in therapy or when we were packing to separate or when we were fighting all the time and screaming and yelling and... it could have been enough. If it had come sooner, none of my present situation would be happening, neither the good OR the bad. There is good you may ask? Of course there is.

In my head I play over and over again the past seven years of my life, and they are rough. It is hard to look back on and its hard to determine where the lines were crossed and where love stopped, and where it started. I have loved SO much in the past seven years, and I lost SO much, and I have gained SO much. For that, I can appreciate it all. For that, I can try to move on. For all of it, I can see the friends I have made, the stories I have to share, my only wish is that there was not so much hate.

I feel a lot of hate right now, and it makes me wonder how much hate HE felt for me when it was obvious our marriage would not work. Does he still hate me now? I have picked up the phone to call a dozen times only to put the phone down knowing that no good could come from that call. No positive energy would remain in that call. All that would happen would be a trip down memory lane, for better or for worse. The idea of him hating me though, kills me, because what happened between my exhusband and I, and what happened between HIM and I, are such different things. I would hope that the hate I hold for HIM does not even measure to the hate he holds/held for me.

I am a much better lover than a hater. I am a much better lover than a fighter.


Friday, June 29, 2012


There are two aspects of time that relate to breakups and heart ache. There is the one that people talk about who don't really know you... time... and then there is the other one... timing. People who know you, understand the pros and cons of timing more than anyone else, because they truly know you as an individual and your life in and outside of the person you were recently with.

The people that want to discuss time with me, keep telling me that things take time, that time will heal all, that time will bring you back, that time, time, time time. Nothing, that anyone can say is truly helpful because, although the intentions are pure and loving and caring, its all things that we know and simply have to live through. I am too "old" to think that I will not survive this no matter how crappy one day may be to the next. The only people who have been helpful fall into two categories.A) The other women whose ranks I have joined who have recently had their hearts smashed into a million pieces or B) People who make it their jobs to utterly distract me. Distractions are making it easier.

So what do I mean by timing? The timing of my... let's call it "new found intellect" could not be more ironic. The timing of it all will leave to my new house, which I leave to close on in ten minutes beautiful but the house is all mine, with no memories that can taint the taste in my house of success that on a teachers salary, I am buying a house. The timing of this happening over the summer, where although distractions are low, the time to heal is high and the freedom to do what I want with my time is beautiful.

 Timing and time may rule now, but I have faith in love, and hope that someday this will all be a distant if not horrible memory. And besides, if karma has taught me anything, something REALLY great is going to be just around the corner for me.