I have never written extensively about my divorce. I know what happened, I know what didn't happen, and that has been enough for me. I know how real it all was no matter what anyone says. Somehow during this time in my life, I am reflecting back on times that I have felt broken in this way.
My divorce was so different than this experience in my life. For one, I saw it coming. For two, I was not left with the memories of an unreal life. I was left with real hurt, and the loss of real love. We had not been connecting for some time, we had stopped supporting each other emotionally, and for my part in that I am a bad person. (I should have cared more about the few things he cared about).We were faithful to each other, we were never physically towards each other, and for that, a part of me still loves him. He treated me with respect, but there is only one moment where I truly saw that love he always said he had.
Unfortunately by the time it came I was too far gone, I was too hurt, and I did not feel that I could even truly build to a happy marriage again. It was in that moment that I choose me, over us, and that was the selfish, but in the end, the right decision to make.
I was sitting in the apartment complex parking lot, on the phone with him. He said to me "I'll do anything I can, I won't give up". I cried myself to sleep that and many other nights for that comment. It still plays in my head from time to time, because if it had come sooner, if it had come when we were in therapy or when we were packing to separate or when we were fighting all the time and screaming and yelling and... it could have been enough. If it had come sooner, none of my present situation would be happening, neither the good OR the bad. There is good you may ask? Of course there is.
In my head I play over and over again the past seven years of my life, and they are rough. It is hard to look back on and its hard to determine where the lines were crossed and where love stopped, and where it started. I have loved SO much in the past seven years, and I lost SO much, and I have gained SO much. For that, I can appreciate it all. For that, I can try to move on. For all of it, I can see the friends I have made, the stories I have to share, my only wish is that there was not so much hate.
I feel a lot of hate right now, and it makes me wonder how much hate HE felt for me when it was obvious our marriage would not work. Does he still hate me now? I have picked up the phone to call a dozen times only to put the phone down knowing that no good could come from that call. No positive energy would remain in that call. All that would happen would be a trip down memory lane, for better or for worse. The idea of him hating me though, kills me, because what happened between my exhusband and I, and what happened between HIM and I, are such different things. I would hope that the hate I hold for HIM does not even measure to the hate he holds/held for me.
I am a much better lover than a hater. I am a much better lover than a fighter.