Sunday, June 24, 2012

A Year and A Half Ago...

A year and a half ago, someone posted on this blog, on an entry I had written about us moving into together, asking how his girlfriend felt about us moving in together. Actually the direct quote if I remember correctly was "you know the one with the long dark hair". I didn't listen. I should have. Because that person was right. To that anonymous soul, I'm sorry for ever doubting you. I should have listened then, and I should have listened to myself a lot more.

The warning signs, the constant nagging feelings, I ignored it all. I was made to believe that I was the crazy one, that I needed to talk to someone about my trust issues that I had acquired from my ex-husband. My ex-husband was not that bad of a guy. Our marriage did not work, we did not work as a couple, but comparing this moment in my life, I laugh at what I considered a "bad time". Finding out that it was all true makes it just that much worse.

An eight hour car ride gave me much time to reflect, much time to cry, and much time to process the last three years of my life. It sickens me really. The amount of times that I wanted to leave and didn't. Why didn't I listen to my inner voice, the inner me that said HELLO SOMETHING IS WRONG HERE!!!?   I chalked it up to my inner voice he refereed to as "Crazy Tracy". In hindsight this was the inner me that was telling me the truth, who knew that the "crazy" side of me was actually the logical side? It makes my head and heart hurt to even try to put it together. In essence, I've stopped trying. I think its better for all involved.

So why do I turn here and vent this to my blog? During my divorce I relied heavily on the SAWP Hour of Power, the belief that writers need time to write, and therefore every morning before we began we would write for an hour. Many of the writings were about my divorce and about him. It helped me then and I am hoping it will help me now to process what I am feeling and put the ideas into words. Will I post everything? No. I'm probably saying too much in a public forum now. But at the end of the day, writing has its therapeutic moments.

So what is the summation of my entry, the point that if you read nothing you will comprehend. The voice inside of you is the part of your brain that is intellectual trying to over ride your emotional brain. Listen to your brains, help them make the decision together. In the long run it will help you make the best decision. If we look at the long term consequences, its better to know now then later.

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